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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

As I approached the end of the school year at Morton I remember looking forward to the trips the family would take to visit our relatives in Maine.  Of the four uncles living there I most enjoyed the company of Uncle Fred and Uncle Clair because they loved to play card games and fish.

On one occasion I remember sitting between the two of them in Uncle Fred’s long, dark green, wooden canoe casting for pickerel on Silver Lake.  It was a still morning filled with the sounds of the surrounding forest’s year around residents — a beaver slapping his tail on the shoreline in an futile attempt to scare us away, chattering birds, the occasional fish breaking the surface of otherwise still water, and a barking dog or two.

Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until I heard the distinctive call of some sort of bird obscured by a line of trees adjacent to the shore at the end of an inlet perhaps 30 yards away. “What was that,” I asked.

“That’s the call of the female Woo Woo Bird,” my Uncle Clair responded authoritatively.

“Woo Woo Bird?” I asked looking up into the trees, squinting to get a glimpse of it.

“Yup,” my Uncle Fred chimed in. “She makes that call every time she lays a square egg.”

“Really?”  I asked.

“Yes,” Uncle Clair said. “They’re nearly extinct, you know,” no doubt pausing for effect.  “Do you know what the word extinct means?”

“No,” I answered.

Uncle Clair and Uncle Fred then went on to explain how over time one species after another has disappeared from the face of the earth.

Nothing more was said about the Woo Woo Bird that day but the subject did come up again when my fourth grade teacher asked me to introduce myself and to tell the class about something I learned that summer.

*     *     *

On another occasion when I reeled in a rather large pickerel I managed to get a fish hook embedded through the index finger of my right hand. As I was being “rushed” to the doctor’s office, thoughts of impending doom ran through my head because the only vision I had was some faceless individual pulling the hook back through my finger in the opposite direction it had gone in.

I remember sitting in a chair with my hand in a metal bowl of warm blue water. When the doctor returned to the room and picked up my hand I closed my eyes and bit my lower lip bracing myself for the worst. As I winced I heard a strange click which led me to open my right eye. There the doctor stood, wire snippers in hand. My nightmare came to an end when I noticed  the hook end of the lure sitting in the basin beneath my hand.

When I got home Uncle Fred informed me that he had measured the length of the pickerel I’d caught and told me that I had narrowly missed getting inducted into Bucksport’s Pickerel Hall of Fame. If only it had been an inch longer.

*     *     *

Being the youngest member of the extended family by at least three years, I remember being invited to participate in a snipe hunt in the backyard of Uncle Fred’s house. One by one my brother and cousins would declare they’d found one — making a bit of a ruckus with their paper bags — and return to the house through the back door leading to the kitchen. I can’t recall exactly how long I walked around in the dark before it finally dawned on me that I’d been punked.

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In the military there has always been and will continue to be a clear cut dichotomy between those who really serve the country and those who expect to be served. I remember Charlie Z, a major assigned to the air traffic control element at HQ 15 Air Force. The very epitome of the latter type, seldom did a week go by that Charlie wouldn’t find a way to take credit for the work of others in pursuit of higher, unearned office.

On one memorable occasion, hearing that the Plans and Operations Division had just obtained specs for the newly digitalized, B-52 navigation system, Charlie walked into our office and asked for a copy of the audio presentation so he could brief the Commander. Charlie, incidentally, would be the last person on station to present such a briefing so everyone in the office knew he just wanted it for personal use, perhaps a presentation of some sort in pursuit of his masters degree.

Suspecting that he, in fact, was going to just play it in one of his classes and that he probably wouldn’t even listen to it before he turned it on, I begged his indulgence telling him that there was only one copy and that I would necessarily have to make a copy of the cassette.  (At the time I had two high speed duplicators that I had acquired while stationed at Minot to run a little side business I had selling old time radio tapes.) When I arrived home that night, instead of making a copy of the tape as promised, I pulled out a copy of an old Warner Bros cartoon tape. The first cartoon on the tape was an old favorite of mine — one involving Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam.

The next day Charlie popped into the office and, as promised, I provided him a copy of “the tape” which, unbeknownst to me at the time, he proceeded to deliver to the word processing secretarial staff on the second floor. He told the head gal that he needed a transcript by close of business the same day so he could brief General Murphy the following morning. He then returned to his office.

It wasn’t but a few minutes later when Charlie received a call the word processing center.  Charlie pushed the conference intercom button on the phone as he always did, broadcasting the call to all within earshot.

“Major Zukerman.” he announced in his practiced authoritarian tone of voice.

“Major, this is Sally in the word processing center,” she said. (Sally was the pool’s supervisor.)

“Yes, Sally. Is there something I can help you with?” Charlie asked.

“Well, yes. We need a little clarification. Do you want Yosemite Sam in all caps or would you prefer we use upper and lower case?”

“What?”

According to the head honcho sitting nearby, Charlie immediately cut the call short and bolted upstairs. He was quickly followed by three members of his fellow staff who had heard the exchange and, not coincidentally, had been informed of the switch that had been made to set Charlie Z up.

Well, when Charlie arrived in the word processing center the tape was being broadcast over the intercom system and everyone was having a grand laugh. A short guy, barely tall enough to see over the office counter (not just a little reminiscent of Yosemite himself), he had no choice but to stand there hoping upon hope that he could get the tape back before someone in General Murphy’s office overheard it and demanded an explanation.

Charlie never again asked for a copy of the tape and, as one might well imagine, it didn’t take long for his story to make the rounds because the inevitable question would always arise when a co-worker would refer to him as Yosemite. “Why do you call him that?”

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Up until last week I thought I had pretty much exhausted the plethora of suggestions folks offer online to deal with our gopher infestation. Poison pellets don’t work. Powdered coyote dung doesn’t work. Juicy Fruit chewing gum doesn’t work. Poison worms don’t work. Road flares don’t work. In fact, given the extensive network of tunnels they have here, even flooding doesn’t work. So what is one to do?

Watching one of these subterranean pests pop his head up in the midst of a growing mound a week ago, I noticed that all I had to do was start talking and he’d crawl back into his tunnel not to be seen again for a few minutes. The longer and louder I talked, the longer he would stay out of sight. It was an hour after I turned on the radio that it finally dawned on me that I may have inadvertently stumbled onto the perfect solution to our ongoing problem.

It only took a few minutes to put the battle plan to work.

I first went into the house and pulled out an old pair computer speakers and an extension cord long enough to reach into the cabana. Upon my return to the backyard I stuck the garden hose into the hole where the last gopher had shown his face and turned the water on full blast.

As I anticipated, at first the water bubbled over the lawn out of that hole and two others but it didn’t take long for all of it to drain down into the connecting tunnel. At this point I let the water run for another five minutes hoping to clear an underground path as far away from the existing mound as possible. I then repeated the process running the hose into a fourth mound which (because it had remained dry) I had concluded must lead to an entirely different network of tunnels.

Shutting the water off, I pulled out the hose, connected the extension cord to the radio and tuned into The Rush Limbaugh Show. I then turned the volume to max, connected the external speakers to the radio, and inserted them into the holes leading to their separate tunnels .

The good news is that it’s been a week now and not one of our uninvited guests has bothered to build a new mound let alone show his fuzzy face.

I know, I know….. it’s a little early to declare victory but at last the tide appears to have turned. I may also be jumping to an unwarranted conclusion when I attribute this turn around to Rush. Since he’s only on for three hours, five days a week, it may turn out that he is not the host whose voice is primarily responsible for driving away our adversaries.

With that in mind, if you listen to Talk Radio, please cast your vote for the host whose voice you think gophers find most irritating.

Caution: Use of an electrical extension cord in close proximity to standing water may be hazardous to your health. Do not implement this eradication method in the presence of children or pets.

*     *     *

Update: Much to my chagrin and, no doubt Rush Limbaugh’s amusement, it turns out that the gophers love talk radio. And it’s not just that they’re back. They’re tunneling right next to the speakers.

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The Obama legacy

I came across this extensive summary and couldn’t resist reprinting it. A Google search suggests that it originated in a thread called “The Barack Obama forum” on Amazon.

If anyone can come up with an list of uplifting Obama accomplishments, I’ll be more than happy to publish it was well. Until then I guess this fairly describes the President’s legacy.

*      *      *

Bob: “Hey Jim, did you hear about the Obama administration scandal?
Jim: “You mean the Mexican gun running?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean SEAL Team 6?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Obama saying the avg family would save $2,500 on their premiums?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Forcing businesses to violate their religious beliefs by paying for drugs that abort the unborn?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Violating the rights and sanctity of our Churches?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Spending $634 million on a website that doesn’t work?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Obama calling for an increase in our debt when he lambasted Bush for the very same thing?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Obama having NSA spy on 124 Billion Phone Calls in One Month?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Saddling our kids with $17 trillion in debt of which they can never get out of and will not have as good a life as we have?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Bailing out Detroit after decades of corrupt Democratic management?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean the State Dept. lying about Benghazi?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean voter fraud?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Intentionally trying to hurt Americans during the sequester?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Blocking veterans who secured our freedoms from their monuments but giving the green light for Illegals to use Monument Mall?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Denying school kids the ability to tour the White House but still spending lavishly on his parties?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean Obama saying we can keep our insurance and doctors if we wanted to?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The NSA monitoring foreign diplomats?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean the use of drones in our own country without the benefit of the law?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million and right after it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean the president arming the Muslim Brotherhood?”

Bob: “No the other one:.
Jim: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The DOJ spying on the press?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Sebelius shaking down health insurance executives?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “You mean Obama spending $3.7 Trillion on Welfare Over Last 5 Years”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Giving SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Millions of Americans losing their health care coverage?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Forcing Americans to include coverage in their insurance policies of items they do not want?

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Ordering the release of nearly 10,000 illegal immigrants from jails and prisons, and falsely blaming the sequester?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Denying Arizona the right to protect its borders?

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Providing weapons to Syrian rebels many of whom apparently are Al Queda”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The president’s repeated violation of the law requiring him to submit a budget no later than the first Monday in February?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The 2012 vote where 115% of all registered voters in some counties voted 100% for Obama?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The president’s unconstitutional recess appointments in an attempt to circumvent the Senate’s advise-and-consent role?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “Clinton, the IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “The President using nearly $1 trillion dollars of stimulus money to fund his cronies?”

Bob: “No, the other one”
Jim: “You mean Fast & Furious?

Bob: “No, the other one.”
Jim: “I give up! …Oh wait, I think I got it! You mean that 65 million low-information voters who don’t pay taxes and get free stuff from taxpayers and stuck us again with the most pandering, corrupt administration in American history?”

Bob: “THAT’S THE ONE!”

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You know you’ve encountered an INTJ if he/she is wearing a t-shirt that reads:

  • Let’s play hide and seek, I’m it!
  • I’ll try to be nicer, if you’ll try to be smarter.
  • If you can read this you’re standing too close to me.
  • I’m not trying to repel you with my personality, that’s just a happy coincidence.
  • Intuit how much I care.
  • Ask me how I’m feeling today.
  • Tiny print that reads  “Stop staring at my chest.”
  • My shirt has words on it.
  • Back: Wait here. I will be right back.
  • I’m not mean; you’re just a sissy.
  • Who are you and why are you reading my shirt?
  • WARNING: I don’t care.
  • Of course I don’t look busy. I did it right the first time!
  • Front: What am I thinking? Back: I’d tell you but you’d never get it.
  • Non-relational people have feelings too!
  • I have an opinion. You won’t like it.
  • Don’t annoy me. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.
  • If I don’t respond just stop talking.
  • Say NO to hugs.
  • Front: It’s not that I don’t like you. Back: It’s just that you’re not that interesting.
  • I can only please only one person per day, today is not your day.
  •  That’s enough social interaction for one day
  • I’m not ignoring you. Your comment is awaiting moderation.

If you fail to grasp the humor, you’re  definitely not an INTJ.

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boxShould the student who answered the following essay questions be given an “F” or an “A”? You decide.

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
A1. His last.

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A2. At the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
A3. Liquid.

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
A4. Marriage.

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
A5. Exams.

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A6. Lunch & dinner.

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
Q7. The other half.

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
Q8. It will become wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
Q9. No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Q10. You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Q11. Very large hands.

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Q12. No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A13. Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

* * *

The thought occurred to me to put this test to the family at dinner the other evening. It took the adults at the table a half dozen questions to to climb out of the confines of their self-made intellectual boxes and even then only one came up with a couple of answers. It only took two questions and answers for my 10 year old grandson, Ian, to catch on. Thereafter, he came up with the “correct” answer six times.

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